Blair's Golden Road Blog - Where Were You When You Heard the News?
By Blair Jackson
Summer flies and August dies / The world grows dark and mean…
—Robert Hunter, “Days Between”
On the morning of August 9, 1995, I was driving to my job as an editor at Mix magazine, listening to our local classic rock station and caught the end of “Uncle John’s Band.” A nice way to greet the day, I thought. But when the DJ came on right after and very solemnly intoned, “In case you haven’t heard…” Well, I hadn’t heard. Then came his unbelievable announcement that Jerry had died earlier that morning. I practically ran my car off the road. My wife, Regan, was on her way to work in San Francisco, so I couldn’t reach her (this is pre-cell phone for me), so I kept driving to work, flipping the radio dial to see if I could learn more. Through the years I’ve talked to many people who said they were not surprised by the news at all, that they’d actually expected it for some time. But I was completely shocked.
There had been warning signs, of course. Jerry seemed listless and out of it during a lot of 1994, and he looked terrible. That autumn, I was sufficiently depressed by a frighteningly bad Garcia band show in Oakland and a pair of concerts at Madison Square Garden that I abruptly backed out of an agreement with a major publisher to write a book of essays about the Dead, celebrating their 30 years together. In the first 1995 issue of Dupree’s Diamond News, I wrote that something was clearly wrong with Garcia—Was it physical? Drug-related? We didn’t know. Even so, I remained hopeful that he could bounce back from whatever maladies were afflicting him, as he had after the coma in ’86 and the second scare in the summer of ’92.
The shows I saw in ’95 were a mixed bag. The three February Oakland Coliseum shows were so-so; the third special because it featured another festive Mardi Gras parade and an appearance by saxophonist David Murray (who, alas, was not miked well). The June Shoreline Amphitheatre run was better, with the first two good enough that I felt more hopeful about the future of the band than I had for some time. From afar, we followed the infamous summer ’95 tour, with its seemingly unending disasters—the gate-crashing in Vermont, fans hit by lightning in D.C., the death threat to Jerry at Deer Creek, a porch full of Dead Heads collapsing near the group’s Missouri venue. It all had a nearly Biblical, wrath-of-God feeling to it.
Shortly after the tour, word spread that Jerry had gone into rehab at the Betty Ford Clinic in Southern California, which I took to be excellent news. No more of those “Honest, Doc, I can kick it on my own, just leave me alone” cures. Maybe this would be the program that could really whip him into shape and convince him to change his ways. As we all know, however, he didn’t stay there as long as was recommended, he came home, fell back into his bad habits, then checked himself into another facility—Serenity Knolls in West Marin—and died of a heart attack his first night there. It still hurts to recall it.
Back to that day. I arrived at work, and one by one my colleagues stopped by my office to talk about the terrible news and to console me, as if I’d lost a family member (that’s not far off). I talked to Regan by phone at the San Francisco Chronicle, were she worked, and she was understandably shaken up. She wanted to come home, but as the resident Dead Head on the copy desk, instead had to answer questions from Chronicle reporters covering Jerry’s passing and then copy-edit their stories. No escape.
I’d only been at work about an hour before I got a call from someone at the San Francisco public radio station KQED, asking if I would appear on the NPR program All Things Considered to talk about Jerry. Joining me were my friends and fellow Dead scribes David Gans and Steve Silberman. As I recall, they were brilliant and articulate, as always, and I chimed in just a few times, offering nothing particularly profound, as my brain was mush at that point. I derived quiet satisfaction from the fact that the local TV news seemed to be all-Garcia that night. It wasn’t just important to us. Family members back East and in the Midwest called that night to offer their condolences. They, more than most, knew what the Dead and Jerry had meant to me.
Over the next couple of days, I was corralled into doing a whole bunch of short radio interviews with various news and music stations to talk about Jerry and his legacy. In retrospect, I have no idea how any of these interviews came to me—maybe Dead publicist Dennis McNally, who was inundated by press in the days and weeks after Jerry died, suggested my name. Whatever the case, it was all very surreal, and I never felt like I was saying what I wanted to say or what I thought needed to be said. If only my words did glow…
I also felt as though I couldn’t really let Jerry’s death sink in, because I was constantly having to be even-keeled and analytical about it, rather than emotional. People were falling apart all around me, but I didn’t allow myself to. At that point I was more numb than anything else.
All that changed five days after Jerry died. With our 4-year old son, Kyle, and his 1-year old sister, Hayley, in tow, we joined a few thousand other Dead Heads at the Polo Fields in Golden Gate Park for a big public memorial celebration. An enormous, colorful portrait of a smiling Jerry playing his guitar hung above a stage that had been erected beneath the tall cypress and eucalyptus trees that ring the field. An impromptu shrine collected hundreds of flowers, photos and objects of every variety (jewelry, stuffed animals, odd knick-knacks that had special meaning to the givers). A giant sound system pumped out one Dead tune after another (chosen by Dick Latvala and David Gans) and people smiled, danced and sang along as if the band were playing. We saw many folks we knew, shared hugs and stories, and vowed we would stay connected.
There were uplifting and heartbreaking speeches from Jerry’s family and each band member, and momentarily the overwhelming feeling of community on that field pushed back the grief. You had to believe we would get by, we would survive, if only because we had one another.
There was plenty more Grateful Dead music as the late afternoon sun started to cast long shadows across the field. Our young children were getting a little antsy, so we reluctantly decided to depart. But I vividly remember the four of us stopping for a couple minutes on a grassy berm above the Polo Fields and looking down longingly at the sea of tie-dye and swaying dancers, Jerry’s portrait and assorted banners waving gently in the wind. The music was still clear as a bell, wafting on the breeze, carrying so much joy, mystery and, yes, sadness on its flight to the heavens. In my very hazy recollection, some intense Anthem of the Sun-era tune gave way to the aptly dubbed “Beautiful Jam” from the 2/18/71 “Dark Star,” and I remember in that instant feeling the remarkable continuity of the Dead’s history, from the Human Be-In, in that very spot in January 1967, to this sad, sad day in 1995. This was my tribe, in happiness and sorrow.
That’s when it hit me. The finality. Nothing like this will ever come our way again. It’s over. Nothin’s gonna bring him back.
And for the first time in five days I cried.
On the way home from work on the Beltway and some folks had hung a huge banner from one of the bridges. I instantly knew what it meant having seen the Dead at RFK on that last Fall tour. I got up about as close to the stage as you can when he came out to play All Along the Watchtower with Dylan, and knew right away that he was dying. It made me really sad to see him that way, but I knew he wasn't long for this world. I told the people sitting next to me that the reason he was playing so much chromatic stuff is that he wanted to get as many notes out as possible before leaving. The last song was Wharf Rat and he just never really did get back on his feet again...at least in this world. But then you just never know what might happen in the next...
I had gone to work on a normal August day, and the local Detroit Classic Rock station was playing Dead tunes.
Very unusual, I thought, but I turned up the volume .
My phone rang. It was Amie, a very close friend with whom I had done many shows and various other Bohemian activities, always with the band as part of the frivolity.
She was crying, and asked if I had heard the news.
Then she told me.
I was numb.
I left work to go home because my day was done.
I told them I had to leave because a very close friend had died.
How true that was.
Sirius XM has done a wonderful job these last 9 days, and I am grateful for it.
Many worlds I've come since I first left home.
Thank you Jerry for the gifts you gave all of us.
My 2 daughters have been to several Furthur shows, and their boyfriends have now come aboard!
I think back to that day in 68, I think, when my brother dragged me to the Majestic Theater, and said "there's this crazy band from San Fran playing tonight, you've got to come".
I did. It began the longest, most wonderful trip of my life.
God bless you Jerry, my friend.
I was in my apartment in Spokane, Washington and saw it announced on the evening news. I remember being just kind of numb. My mom was on the phone and I just couldn't speak. The other two times I had felt like this for musicians were when John Lennon and Stevie Ray Vaughan died.
I was headed out on a big backpacking trip in a couple of days so tried to focus on getting ready for that. The day before the trip I spent an evening at a friends house listening to GD concert tapes.
Then 3 friends and I went on a 9 day backpack trip in the Granby Wilderness in BC. We were the first people to ever hike the length of the drainage and it was a rugged. tough and amazing trip. Through all the days of hiking through old growth, picking berries and an encounter with a Grizzly Bear the spirit and thought of Jerry hung over us. It was a very healing way to deal with the loss of someone whose songs were in my heart for almost a quarter century.
I'm with you man. My dad passed away in February after a brave struggle with ALS! The day before he passed away I told him how I was driving his car blasting out the stereo to some rock and roll. He looked at me and smiled and said "That's my little boy".
My recollection of the day Jerry died was somewhat surreal. My phone started ringing offthe hook, and thats how I was informed. Throughout the day, some friends of mine who own a local Head-Related shop had contacted me about putting together a music program at the last minute for an impromptu wake they set up. I couldn't bring myself to perform, so I hooked my friend up with a Native American drum ensemble, and what they performed was far more powerful than anything I would have been able to muster.
Meanwhile, that afternoon, I had a lot of running around to do to help out, and of course, a local public radio station was paying a musical tribute to Jerry and the first song I heard after hearing the news was the JGB version of The Night They Drove Ol' Dixie Down. I think that was probably the moment it hit me the most.
In retrospect, I was more disheveled upon hearing about Brents death as I was still traveling home from Tinley Park in the afterglow of seeing the Dead play at the top of their game. I just so happened to have a tape of the first set of 4/2/90 ready to play when the radio station I was listening to broke the news. After the report, I pulled over at the next rest stop, parked, turned off the motor and stared at the windshield in silence for what felt like an hour, just feeling numb. When I finally got back on the road home, I pushed the tape in to play, and the song from 4/2/90 that was cued up just so happened to be Easy To Love You. My numbness instantly turned into depression.
In hindsight, the losses of some of my musical idols pales in comparison to my emotional state when my own father passed away 22 months ago. The grief I continue to feel for that is crippling at times.
I was driving down the road toward God-knows-where and turned on the radio and heard a Dead song, I don't remember which one. As soon as it ended, another began. Odd, 2 Dead songs in a row. Then I lost reception of the radio station and changed to another. Another Dead song. That's when I knew...
I was off from work that day, I put the Radio on and Candy Man was playing. One of my all time favorites. When the song was over the DJ said Jerry had passed. Just like when i heard John Lennon was dead, I became numb, Time stopped. With tears in my eyes for the next few days i would play Candy Man over and over. Til this day everytime i hear Candy Man i tear up