He is by no means a Head. He doesn't like going to live shows much either. But we've worked for 8 years now. He knows about my life on the road and my love for the Dead. There are bears, a Jerry Doll, drawings all over our home. He just smiles and says "As long as your happy." This past week when the news was announced and I was dancing around our tiny apartment he just laughed and said it was good to see me smile again. We give each other space and respect musically. We click on many other levels and music differences is just a small part of who we are as a couple.

How could you marry someone who's not a dead head? That's a very good question and one that I was recently asked of me (with a tone of actual shock) by a couple at a fall ratdog show. They didn't know my history so I explained that in the end, it was fear, self preservation, and wishful thinking.

My first husband and I met my freshman year in college. We instantly became best friends and fell deeply in love, all to the backdrop of the Dead. We'd actually walk around campus together singing dead songs in between classes...cried to the dead, made love to the dead... you get the idea. All dead, all the time...going to as many shows as we could afford and that time would allow. You know... great times, high times, the best of times....

We married upon graduation and although we had been party buddies thoughout our four years in school, it was time to start living life as adults and keep it all in perspective. Long, painful story short, 12 years and had 3 beautiful children later, the excessive drugs, drinking and endless stream of hiding and lying finally destroyed the relationship. Still breaks my heart to this day. Anyway...

Unfortunately, he (and the pain) seemed to be sadly tied to the Dead "lifestyle" so when i began dating and seriously considering a new husband, the fact that the man WASN'T into the Dead seemed like a bonus at the time.

It all comes down to tradeoffs. Lets face it; i was fearful of deja vu all over again, so despite my new man's disdane of my birkenstocks, his inability to comprehend my freaky dancing and his obvious lack of love for all things Jerry and Bobby, I married him. At the time, i wasn't THAT into it any more anyway...or so I thought.

About 6 months later, I happened upon my Englishtown 77 disc. It was literally like reuniting with an old familar lover, without the guilt! And so it went... I slowly but surely drifted back to it all, chosing to focus on how much I love "it" (the music), rather than how much I used to love "him" (the first husband). While this approch works for the most part, I'll be the first to admit that Bird Song still make me cry like a baby... but I digress...

My second husband and I have been married 5 years now and have seen a few shows together...the Other Ones, Phil and friends and a few Ratdog shows. Although I know he'll go if asked, he makes a point of reminding me that there are "so many great bands we can be spending our money on..and besides, I don't dance and never will."

To that comment, all I can do is . So much for wishful thinking...

Bottom line:
Since his tolerance is a poor substitute for actual enjoyment and tends to take away from my experience, here's how we make it work.

1. One "dead' related show together per year max. I can go with friends to any shows anytime I want. No guilt in either direction allowed.

2. Sirius 32 subscription. That was my birthday present from him along with noise cancellation headphones. Best present I ever received. I listen all day long while i work and he dutifully listens to me recount what happened today in GD history or what might have been discussed on the Golden road. He may not actually care, but he'll listen nicely and appreciate the fact that if it makes me happy, it makes him happy.

3. Long car trips. We both try to be reasonable. We'll tolerate listening / or not listening to our preferences for as long as we can before one of us grabs the sirius radio and changes the channel.

The good news is, he's IS making some progress. The other day i was watching an online video and from the kitchen I heard him say "Is that Eyes of the World? That's a nice version" Big grin... why yes, yes it is.... Now, if I can just get him to start singing with me....

it goes to show you don't never know...

But please note the past tense - there is a happy ending :)
Dave and I have been together for 33+ years, and he's been into the Dead since he was 12 or so. I never had anything against them, but I wasn't really a fan and mostly just knew their biggest commercial hits (Truckin, Sugar Magnolia). We had a lot of bands we liked in common, so we really weren't musically incompatible, but I didn't quite get the Dead thing (Why would anyone want to go to three shows in a row? Don't you already have that song on another album?)
Fast forward to Sept 2004, and we're on vacation at a beautiful resort on the southern Maine coast. One of the CDs we brought was Dicks Picks 14, which contains the longest, loveliest versions of Eyes and Sunshine. At some point during the week, I realize that the soundtrack to our vacation is the MOST WONDERFUL MUSIC I have ever heard, and just like that, I'm hooked! Since then, I've had an insatiable appetite for their music, and that's pretty much what's always playing at our little cottage by the river. I've seen Ratdog 6 times in the past few years, and I'm so excited to be going to my first Dead shows in April in Worcester. I think Dave is more excited for me than he is for himself. He says he's not surprised that he finally "turned" me, he's just surprised it took me so long. Thanks, Dave! If I had the world to give, I would absolutely give it to you!

Against her will at first but now she can't wait for NYE in San Fran. Not only does she get the seeing them 3 nights in a row thing but now she gets the teavelling aspect of it. Hey if you don't live on the coasts, you have to travel if you want to see them.

It's all about perserverance! ;-)

"I've stayed in every blue-light cheap hotel. Can't win for tryin. Dust off those rusty strings just one more time. Gonna make em shine."